The Big D! (as in Divorce)

This post is going to get pretty personal.  I mean, if I’m talking about my divorce, how can it not be?  Let me start by saying this: I never thought I would be 32 years old and divorced.  Yes, my parents are divorced, but that doesn’t mean that I was thinking ahhh, I’ll try it out and see what happens!  I genuinely thought I’d get married, buy a house, have a kid, have another kid, and then live happily ever after.  I’m pretty sure this is the American dream. (Maybe there’s a white picket fence and a husband who makes millions of dollars, too). 

But as you know, that’s not exactly how things panned out.

Randy and I met in 2001.  He was a senior in high school, I was a freshman.  We were both on the winter track and spring track team.  That’s how we met. He was different. He was older. He wore a dumb bandana, wrist wraps, one pant leg rolled up to his knee, and a dog tag around his neck.  He was funny. He was nice. Everyone liked him. All signs pointed to Swoonsville for 15-year old Lauren.

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Randy and Me in 2002

He had a girlfriend at the time so we were just friends.  But there was obviously a spark between us. He went on to graduate from school that year and over the next 4 years we kept in touch via AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and then texting (I didn’t get my first cell phone until I was 16!).  We would get together during the summers when he came back from school but we were always just friends.

And then finally, the summer in between my first and second years of college, the stars finally aligned.  Randy was back home, commuting to Brooklyn for his last year of college. I was commuting to Stony Brook. I guess things were different this time and we started dating.  I was 19. Randy was 22.  

Our relationship had its ups and downs like most people.  But we fell into the roles we’d adopt for the next 12 years pretty quickly.  And I’d be lying if I said things were always fresh and exciting. Things started getting a little stale (but NEVER bad) even before we got married (I was 25 when we walked down the aisle).  But like a lot of people, I thought about all the years we’ve put in, how much we care about one another, how we’d make a good parenting team, etc. I thought this was all kinda normal.  

But there was definitely something missing.  The love that we had for one another when we were 19 and 22 was waaaaay different than the love we had for each other at 31 and 34.  We literally morphed into friends. Which seems OK but it began to take a toll on both of us. 

And it led us to where we were in January of 2018 when we finally started talking about it…

Before I go any further, there’s one very important tidbit of information you should know about: this was a joint decision.  While it may have taken us a little while to get on the same page initially, we both agreed that this is what makes the most sense for us and our family.  One of the things that Randy and I have in common is that we are very logical. We can both get emotional at first, but we tend to look to logic in order to solve problems.  We made graphs, flow charts and the classic pros and cons list (kidding, not kidding).  

We both made lists of things we wanted in a relationship. As I read through Randy’s list there were things I really wanted too, but I couldn’t picture me being that person with him.  

We had options: ignore the problem or end things now, while we still liked each other. 

What we wanted to feel for each other just wasn’t there.  And we could’ve forced it because we get along well and we enjoy each other’s company, but we didn’t want to.  We were concerned that forcing it would lead us down a bad path.

So we decided to live our truth.  Own it. And accept all the fallout that might come from it.  And when I say fallout, I’m mostly talking about the looks of disappointment and sadness on our parents’ faces.  

I get the traditional family is still the societal norm.  And that divorce is seen as “bad.” But I think it’s because people force themselves to stay in marriages that they’re unhappy with.  We took into consideration many factors- including our children, our financial situation, and of course our own happiness.  

Even though Randy and I always supported one another, there was something about our relationship that prevented us from growing.  It was holding us back from becoming the people we are today. Remember when I told you that I wanted to start a blog years ago? Randy encouraged me to do it.  But I didn’t! He was supportive about it, but I still held back. He pushed me, yet I didn’t budge. Why? Because I wasn’t the person I was a year ago when I started this blog.  I had some growing to do. Like big time growing. I needed to go through this phase in order to really show up for my life.  

And yes, IT’S SCARY!!!  What if I never find someone else?!  What if no one is willing to put up with my weird quirks?!  What if I have to date 100 men before I find “the one”?! (Sidebar, I don’t actually believe in there being only ONE person for everyone.  I feel like when you find “the one” it’s really “the one” that suits who you are in that moment best). But still… so many WHAT IFs! Of course I ask myself these questions.  I think all single people do. There’s no guarantee that I’ll find someone and live happily ever after.  

In the meantime, Randy and I are committed to ourselves, to each other and to our children to make this the best possible divorce in the history of all divorces.  Are there times we piss each other off? Yes. Are there times when we disagree? Sure. But we both want the same things out of life: to raise happy, healthy and kind children and to be happy with our own lives.  We don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and be absolutely miserable.  

And so we’ve created our own version of the ‘modern’ family. The type that is divorced but can still go to the park together with our kids, or better yet, eat dinner together.  We can confide in each other about our dating experiences and what’s going on with work and our personal goals. It might seem weird to people, but it works for us. Our relationship might change as we begin dating other people more seriously. They might not be so understanding of how our relationship works. So we’ll probably have to make some adjustments. But sorry friends, there’s not going to be any major drama so if that’s what you’re into, find another 32 year old divorcée to follow on social media. 😉

I know there’s a saying that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side— and it’s true. But I’m not looking for greener grass, I’m just looking for the shade of grass that fits me best.  🙂 And it might take some time, but that’s OK.  Like I said, I’m confident that the chips will fall exactly as they’re supposed to. 

So here’s to the next phase of my life!  

 

  

 

Hawaii Vacation Recap

Aloha!

It’s been a looooooong time since you’ve heard from me.  I was kinda distracted the last month or so leading up to my trip to Hawaii.  There was so much to do to prepare for it.  And I think knowing that I was going to be away from the kids for 7 nights, halfway around the world, with a 6 hour time difference was creating a little angst.  I’ve been away from both of my kids before but not for this long and not this far away.  So I was a little off during the month of April.

So now that I’m back, I wanted to share a little bit about my trip.  For those of you that are just catching up, let me explain why I had the opportunity to go to Hawaii in the first place. I work in the financial services industry.  And like most commission-based/sales industries there are incentive trips that sales reps can qualify for based on their production.  I’m not a sales rep. I work on the operations side of the business.  But because our office had such a stellar year, I was invited to go.  I’d never been to Hawaii and I had a million reasons why I couldn’t/shouldn’t go but I decided to figure out a way to make it work!

If you’ve never been to Hawaii, YOU MUST GO. I’ve been fortunate enough to go to many different places and see a lot of different things over the years, but I have to say, there is nothing quite like Hawaii.  It has mountains and canyons and waterfalls a plenty!  There’s a ton of wild chickens and I even got a picture of a beautiful black swan! The sites were absolutely breathtaking.

But for me, this vacation was about a lot more than an opportunity to get away! I wanted to focus on a few things while I had time to think without two toddlers whining or repeatedly saying “I’m hungry” even when they just ate dinner!

Explore: I like to be active. I like to explore and try new things. I wouldn’t say I’m an adrenaline junkie but I wouldn’t say I’m not either. It would have been crazy for me to travel all the way to Hawaii to sit poolside for 6 days straight, right? My brother and I went for a hike at Waipoo Falls and got amazing pictures of the waterfall. I also went on a catamaran snorkel tour of the Napali Coast, which was absolutely incredible.  Not only did we get to see the entire Coast from an ocean view, we got an amazing history lesson (and quite a few laughs) from the Captain.  We saw spinner dolphins, we snorkeled, and I jumped off the boat… because why not?!

Spend Time Alone: I think it’s easy to say you like to spend time alone when you have a husband or a boyfriend. But when you don’t, you learn that it’s not so simple.  I was with someone for 12 years, which was my entire adult life.  Even though I was going to be spending time with work friends (many of them had their spouses or significant others with them), I was still alone.  And I’ve been alone for the last year.  Okay, don’t cry… that sounded really sad.  But it’s not and I’ll tell you why.  Being alone is actually a really good way to learn about yourself.  When you have a partner (or even kids for that matter) sometimes you get so caught up in the wants and needs of others that you forget to ask yourself what you want, or what you need, or whether or not you’re happy.  Besides my kids—whose wants and needs are really quite simple- love them, feed them, clean them, play with them, I can focus on myself.  What I want, what I need and what makes me happy.  I hiked a trail by myself (almost got lost– only me!).  I took walks by myself.  I shopped by myself.  It was kinda cool.  And it gave me a chance to work on my very very very (did I mention very) amateur photography skills.

Relax & Recharge: I brought 3 books with me to Hawaii. I only started reading one on the plane en route home.  I brought my tablet—I didn’t turn it on.  The only time I turned on my TV in my room was the morning that I was leaving to check the bill and checkout.  When I’m on vacation I want to do whatever I want to do in that moment.  If I want to hang by the pool and have a cocktail, I will.  If I want to take a walk, I will. If I want to listen to a Podcast (this is my new obsession, btw), I will.  If I want to take a jog, I will.  If I want to eat shave ice, I will.  Surprisingly, it doesn’t take much for me to relax. I knew that my kids were in good hands. I knew that it would be quiet at the office. I just wanted to relax.  And I totally did.  That’s why I came back READY TO FREAKIN GO!

One of the things I’ve tried to focus on this year has been living in the moment a little more.  Ya’ll know I’m a planner x 1000.  Finding the balance between living in the moment and accomplishing big goals can be difficult.  If I’m living in the moment too much, I tend to lose focus.  If I’m planning every second of every day, I can become too rigid, get bored and become fanatical. 

So I’ve taken the approach of planning with wiggle room.  Always having a plan, but being nimble enough to enjoy any opportunities that come up! And when I get an opportunity to totally unplug (like I did for 6 days in Hawaii), I take it. I listen to my mind and body and allow myself to do and feel whatever they want. 💖

Takeaways:

1. Go to Hawaii 🌺

2. Take time to relax and recharge once in a while

3. Listen to your body

4. Explore when you can

5. Go to Hawaii 🌺

My Passion Project

When I started blogging it was part of a secret mission.  I know that sounds super cool and top secret, but it’s not.  It’s been a personal mission to find my passion.  I know this may not make sense to everyone reading this but I don’t want to just have a job or have a career.  I want to build something of my own.  I want to be proud of what I do.  I want my children to be proud of what I do.  It’s not enough for me to say I make “x” amount of dollars a year. I want to leave an imprint on this earth.  I want to impact others.  My blogging has forced me to look at myself from a lot of different angles.  And in order for my blog to be authentic, I’ve had to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly!  This has all been part of the master plan (insert weird creepy laugh here).

Over the past several months I’ve been thinking about all the things I wanted to be when I grew up and all of the things I’ve actually done. The first thing I remember wanting to be was a teacher.  I was always playing school with my grandma when I was a kid– she was the student and I was the teacher, obvi.  Over the course of my childhood and through my teenage years, teaching was always on my list.

At some point, I wanted to be a magazine editor (not sure if I ever told anyone about this one).   When I was a kid I used to love reading magazines.  You know, like Bop!  And then I graduated to Fitness and Self and eventually Cosmopolitan (because what 18-year old prude wasn’t reading Cosmo?!)  I did this weird thing when I read magazines– I literally read them from cover to cover.  I used to read EVERYTHING in the magazine. Even the credits in the beginning. Even the name of the Mac lipstick I’d never ever wear. EV-ER-Y-THING.  But my favorite part of the magazine was in the beginning.  It was the note from the editor, alongside a very beautiful picture of what I dreamed every magazine editor looked like.  I used to think to myself, I want to be an editor of a magazineI want to be the one to approve the themes of each edition and “yay” or “nay” the ideas for stories for each section.  (I literally decided exactly what the editor did even though I had nothing to base it off of…but that sounds kinda accurate, right?).

But that dream faded pretty quickly.

Next up: sportscaster (I even went to college for this one!).  Although I still love to play sports and be active, my desire to follow sports has dwindled over the years.  But back when I was 17 or 18 years old, I was a big Mets and Knicks fan.  I would watch SportsCenter on ESPN with my brother every morning before school and I thought it would be so awesome to be the next Linda Cohn.  But that, too, fell by the wayside within my first semester of college.  Obviously that dream wasn’t the dream.

Eventually I fell into (and yes, I use those words purposely) working with my dad.  My dad worked for MetLife for 29 years.  I began working at his office at the end of my second year of college.  I was the Recruiting Coordinator.  I was 20 years old and had no idea what I was doing, but the girl I replaced must’ve really sucked because they didn’t even let her stay to train me.  I did get some training from my direct manager, but she dealt more with marketing so the actual nitty gritty of my job I kinda had to learn on my own by making phone calls and asking a million questions.

Three years later my dad brought me over to his new company, National Life Group.  He needed an Office Manager and thought I’d be a great fit for the small agency.  He was right… I totally nailed it.  Haha, just kidding.  Okay, okay, I didn’t not nail it, but I had a ton to learn.  I was only 23 years old and even though both companies were life insurance companies there was a big difference between my roles at MetLife and National Life.  I was running the office at National Life.  Good thing I was getting my MBA, right?  (Ha, I laugh at that only because when it comes to running a business there is nothing better than on the job experience.  You can take all the classes in the world but it will never beat out work experience.)

There are parts of my job I love.  For instance, every day is different.  And, I get to work on all aspects of the business—accounting, financial reporting, marketing, training, recruiting and on-boarding, even a little IT stuff.  I’ve grown A LOT since day one.  I’m not sure I’d be where I am today if I hadn’t been given this opportunity at a very young age.  And I am grateful for the autonomy and flexibility I have.  Even though I don’t own the business, I run the business.  And I take that very seriously (like 98.5% of the time).

So why am I giving you my job history?  Relax, I’m getting there!

I have done quite a few things over the years—barista at Starbucks, Recruiting Coordinator and New Business Processor (at MetLife), Beachbody coach, pure barre instructor, Operations Manager (National Life) and blogging.  And I am truly grateful for everything I’ve done because a) I’ve had the balls to go outside my comfort zone and try new things and b) I’ve learned a lot about myself from each one!

I’ve learned where my strengths are.  I’ve learned where my weaknesses are (brings back memories of my business school days when we talked about SWOT analysis).  I drilled down and figured out what I liked about each of those jobs/opportunities and what I didn’t like.  Here’s a list of the things I love:

  • I love to talk (I know… SHOCKER)
  • I love to listen
  • I love to help people
  • I love to lead small groups and work one-on-one with people
  • I love running a business
  • I love writing and editing
  • I love fitness
  • I love to problem solve
  • I love goal setting
  • I love sharing my experiences
  • I love providing motivation and inspiration to others

It took me 14 years of being in the workforce (18 years old- 32 years old) to figure out what my actual dream job is but I finally figured it out!  I’m in the preliminary stages of my endeavor.  Meaning, I’m researching and doing a shit ton of homework.  But let’s just say it involves ALL of the things I love to do.  For now, I’m calling it my passion project.  But eventually, because I’m going to work real hard at it and be real good at it (don’t believe me, just watch), it’s going to be my baby.  The job that will allow me to create the lifestyle I want to live.  I’m not ready to officially announce anything because I know people will ask me a ton of questions that I just don’t have answers to yet.  So hold your horses! It’s coming!

And while I’m working on MY DREAM, I really encourage everyone reading this to step outside their comfort zone and try new things.  Even if those things aren’t the dream, it’ll at least take you one step closer to it.  And don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and actually own your dream.  Because guess what?  You’d be surprised how many people are actually cheering you on versus tearing you down. I’ve never EVER gotten any negative feedback from any one of my blog posts.  In fact, people are encouraging and supportive and rooting for me!  So why wouldn’t people do the same for you!!?!?  They would!! Trust me!  🙂

Making Movement Part of Mom Life

Being a parent is literally the most difficult job I’ve ever had.  There’s always four little eyes watching my every move and four little ears listening to my every word.  It’s a big responsibility and no one truly understands it until they’re actually in it.  It becomes much more apparent when your kids start asking questions or repeating things you say.  You’re no longer free to stare at yourself in the mirror and make comments about your body while your daughter is slipping her feet into your shoes so she can play dress up.  You can no longer hide the candy or the “mommy juice” (aka diet soda in my house) because your son has become very curious and will ask “what’s that?” a million times before you throw a Twizzler at him to try.

Well, I guess you can do those things.  You can do anything you want.  But I think every parent wants to set a good example for their kids.  And don’t get me wrong, we all make mistakes and say unflattering things about ourselves, partake in eat-out-of-the-carton ice cream sessions, and scream or yell at our kids out of frustration.  And that’s all OK because no one is perfect.  We’re all just doing the best we can.

I’m going to take a step back here for a second.  You ever say something and before you actually finish the sentence all you can think is I sound like mother/father?  It happens to me ALL THE TIME!  Some classic lines in my house growing up were because I said so and life’s not fair.   Those are just things I remember my parent saying, but what about things my parents did or behavioral habits they had??

When I thought about this, the first thing that popped into my head was making my bed every dang morning.  As a child I watched my mom make her bed every day.  I was taught to make my bed.  And now, as an adult, I will not leave my house without making my bed.  It’s just part of my life.  It’s part of my routine.  It’s part of my lifestyle.  I watched this habit, I was taught this habit and this habit became a habit of mine (remember, habits are not always a bad thing!).

Creating and teaching healthy habits to my kids is very important to me.  My goal is for my kids to see me engaging in as many positive, balanced and healthy activities as possible.  Positive self-talk is one.  Eating a well-balanced diet that includes everything in moderation and never feeling guilty about indulging is another.  And of course, my most favorite thing in the world to talk about—movement.

The word movement is all encompassing to me. It means parking a little further away from the store because you have two good legs and you should use them.  It also means not sitting on the couch every day from the minute you get home to the minute you’re ready to transition to your bed.  It’s about having a dance party with your kids instead of watching TV.  Or running around outside while cleaning up the yard instead of playing on a tablet (two birds, one stone here people!).  And it also means getting your heart rate up and strengthening and lengthening your muscles with various forms of exercising.

I want my kids to witness and partake in all of the above. I want movement to be a big part of their lives.  I want it to be a non-negotiable.  I want it to become part of who they are are and what they do.  I want it to be part of their lifestyle.

And while I won’t know if what I’m about to share is actually working until later on down the road (I’ll keep you posted by writing a blog post about it in 20 years), it couldn’t hurt to try some of these ideas.

Make time instead of making excuses.  I could probably write a 30-page dissertation on how I hate when people say they don’t have time.  No, you have time, you’re just not making time.  Instead you’re making excuses.  If something is that important to you, you find a way to get it done.  I try not to use the phrase “I don’t have time.”  Instead I say: “it’s just not the highest priority right now.”  Because if it was higher on the list, it would be getting done. Yes, it’s that simple. No, for real, it’s that simple.

If you want to be healthier, more fit, more balanced, more in control, have more energy… then MAKE IT A PRIORITY!  You might have to adjust your sleep schedule slightly or limit your social media scrolling time.  Unfortunately there are only so many hours in a day so you just need to allocate your time better because no one has time.  No one ever complains they have too much time.  We all just say there’s not enough time in the day… or do we just need be honest with ourselves about how we’re utilizing our 24 hours?

Workout while the kids are sleeping: I commend any mother that works out with her kids playing in the next room. I think that’s amazing. I prefer peace, quiet and not having to worry about how many times I’m going to have to pause to break up a fight or “oooh” and “ahhh” over artwork.

When I workout at home, I set my alarm as early as 4:40 AM so I can get my workout in before the morning mayhem begins. I know it sounds super early and maybe too early to some, but your body gets used to waking up early. It’s worth it to get your 30-minute workout done in 30 minutes rather than 45 or 50 because of all the stop and go.  Plus, I’m a working mom so I don’t have much choice– there’s no opportunity for a nap time workout.  And by the time I get home, well I’m lucky if I can keep my eyes open past 8 PM.

Get your kids involved in exercising: However, there are times that I snooze my alarm on a Saturday morning. And I do that knowing that at least one of the kids will be waking up during my workout. It’s usually Ethan and he comes downstairs and sits and watches me.  But really he doesn’t STFU for 30 minutes!!

So while I regret hitting snooze because my workout won’t be as good as I want it to be, I figure it’s a good opportunity to teach Ethan about my love of movement. He imitates me using his Styrofoam weights, uses my step to attempt some cool moves, and works on his plank hug grip while I work on my plank. It’s cute and I love it.

Playground + Walk: I absolutely love being outdoors with my kids anytime it’s over 50 degrees. Every time we go to the “big park” in my neighborhood, I make it a point to remind them in the car: first we take a walk and then we play on the slides.

That’s right, the minute we get to the park I pop the kids in the double stroller and we walk around the park twice before playing.  I like this tactic for two reasons: 1) It’s an opportunity for movement FOR ME! And 2) it teaches my kids patience. They don’t always get to run to the swings the minute they see them.  And now it’s just part of the routine of going to the park.  It’s not like it happens every other time we go.  That means I don’t have to play “let’s make a deal” on the days I want to go for a walk. (I save that for when we leave: Ethan, Alex, do you want ice cream?!) #notajoke

And last, but definitely not least, schedule your workouts into your week on Sunday evenings.  Not like I think I’m going to barre Monday and Wednesday and I’ll run, like two days.  No, like, write it down in your planner and check it off as you complete the workout.

You might not have to write down your workout schedule forever, but I’ll be honest, over a decade into my wellness journey and I still find it useful to write it out.  In a way I kinda build the rest of my week around my workouts.  What I eat, when I socialize, when I have a drink (or two).  It helps keep you honest and who doesn’t like checking something off a list!?!?

None of these tactics are that sophisticated.  I prefer to keep things simple.  My kids are going to develop some of my habits (good and bad).  My goal is to give them as many good ones to latch onto as possible!