Whooooaaaa, it’s been a while since I posted on my blog. I actually had intentions of writing more this year, but here we are in May and this is my first post of 2020. I figured I’d restart my blog by just giving you an update of what’s been happening in my world. 2020 started off just like every other year. Big goals. Big dreams. Big plans. And even though life has taken a lot of unexpected turns over the last few months there has definitely been some good that’s come from it. So I’ll share with you a little of the good, the bad and the ugly. Starting with…
My lovely children: I love my kids. I really do. They are the best. But they’re also intense. For a 3-year old and a 5-year old they sure have a lot of opinions, tons of questions, and, at times, the appetite of teenagers. Alex is currently potty training. And Ethan is learning how to wipe his own butt. Things are already stressful and now that we can barely leave the house– well, let’s just say it’s been an interesting couple of months.
When the pandemic started back in March, Randy and I made a decision to play it by ear in terms of him coming to get the kids for the weekend. We just weren’t sure what the right move was given how quickly the situation was changing and escalating. But it’s been a long time since he’s seen the kids, I’m going to lose my shit and we still have no idea when things will go back to whatever our new normal will be. So next weekend, the kids will be spending the weekend with their dad. (YESSSSS!)
The kids have kept me on my toes, that’s for sure. So far we’ve experienced: a baby powder debacle, a nail polish murder scene, and a muddy puddles incident. All were pretty epic. The baby powder debacle occured when I was scrolling through my phone on a Thursday afternoon. I was sitting in the dining room, the kids were playing in Alex’s room. All was good. I should’ve known better. It was too good to be true. All of a sudden Ethan walked towards me from the kitchen with a large bottle of baby powder and I noticed it was in his hair. I started to ask what was going on as I got up and started walking through the kitchen and noticed baby powder ev-er-y-where! All over the kitchen floor, through the hallway, in the bathroom, all three bedrooms covered. And yes, I was a little mad, but honestly, I didn’t freak out (say whaaaaaat?!). Yeah, I know. I’m just as surprised as you are.
I’ve been waiting for the day when my kids became more than just siblings but actual friends. I have a big bro and little sis and remember growing up we had the same innocent fun with one another. When we would get in trouble, we’d get sent to our rooms and we’d all peak our heads out our doors into the hallway. Just the mere sight of each other left us in stitches. I want the same for E-Bear and Chickie. Plus the havoc they’re wreaking at 5 and 3 is probably nothing compared to what they’ll be capable of at 15 and 13… so i’m just going to enjoy cleaning up baby powder and nail polish for now, thank you very much!
Spring Cleaning on Steroids: I’ve noticed A LOT of people have been cleaning out their houses and garages. And I decided to do the same. I don’t think I’ll ever be done, but I made a dent for sure. I swept all the leaves out of the garage, gave away/thrown out some toys we no longer use, and continuously look through cabinets, drawers and closets to see what else can either be repurposed, given away or thrown out. It feels really good to get rid of things we no longer use and learn to appreciate the things we do use.
This might sound weird to some of you but for the first time since I’ve lived in my house (almost 9 years), I actually feel like I’m living in my house. You know, like using all the rooms, cleaning up the house on a regular basis, cooking frequently, trying to decorate the house a little. I’m so used to being on the go that I’ve never really taken the time to appreciate and live in my house. I’m trying to become a better homeowner and take care of things the way they deserve to be cared for.
Old Habits Die Hard: Now the not-so-good stuff that’s happened in the last couple of months… I’ve worked really hard over the last decade to change my relationship with food. It’s been a process. I thought it was a battle I had overcome, only to find that when super stressful situations occur, I will regress back to my old ways real fast. And it sucks. And it’s not the number on the scale that’s really bothering me (my scale actually broke so I don’t even know how much I weigh). Or the fact that my pants are a little tight. It’s that I failed myself. I let stress become an excuse and allowed food to once again become the thing I turn to when I’m feeling out of control. And then I overeat and feel even more out of control. And the cycle continues.
I have a love-hate relationship with food. It gives me anxiety. And it shouldn’t. I have a bad relationship with scales. And I shouldn’t. And I’m reeeeaallllly not loving the way my body looks when I put on actual pants that aren’t joggers or sweatpants lately. And I shouldn’t feel that way.
Yet I do.
If I’m wearing a size 6 jeans I’m on top of the world. If it’s a size 8, I feel terrible. If it sounds ridiculous to you, believe me, I know. I know. Yet I can’t help feeling this way right now.
I’m crying as I type this because as much as I hate feeling this way, I hate admitting it even more. I’m disappointed that I’ve let how my body looks affect the way I feel about myself. And I hate that I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. It has to stop. It has to.
And in spite of how I’m feeling right now (like shit in case you didn’t get that), I always like to find the lesson(s) in whatever I’m going through. First, as I’m sitting here typing this, I notice some differences in how I feel about my body compared to 23 year old Lauren. Even though It’s not where I want it to be, it’s definitely better than it was. My awareness has grown. And I’m unwilling to accept these feelings of unworthiness because of a few extra lbs. Also, my negative self-talk about my body has subsided tenfold. No more “you’re fat” while looking in the mirror.
Second, I recognize that I’m super hard on myself. And if I’m super hard on myself in this department, I’m also super hard on myself in other areas of my life. It’s just who I am. If my performance is not up to whatever ridiculous standards I set for myself, I tend to get down on myself. And I need to learn to give myself grace even when it feels uncomfortable. Because no one is perfect.
And third, I see this as an opportunity to make sure I don’t EVER make my children feel insecure or inadequate when it comes to their bodies. I would be devastated if my daughter ever felt the way I’ve felt about my body and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure she doesn’t.
Before I wrap this up, I wanted to take a second to remind everyone to be kind to one another. I know it’s redundant, but we’re truly in this together. We’ve all had people we love affected by Covid-19; we all know frontline workers who are needing our support; we all have parents and/or grandparents we can’t hug. It sucks. But it won’t be forever. So while we’re muddling through the next few weeks or months, just remember to be kind. And even though we can’t see it, smile under your mask. Because there’s always something to smile about 🙂