Wow, it’s been a while. At least a month. Part of the reason I have been hesitant to write has been because I wanted to write and share this particular post before I moved on. This has been a huge year of personal growth for me. The way it started and the way it ended couldn’t be any more different. And while it was the hardest year of my life in a lot of ways, it was actually the best year in a lot of ways too.
I don’t really even know how to start this so I guess I’ll start with something simple: my husband and I are getting divorced. And before you start with the “I’m so sorry” spiel, know this: It’s OK. We’re OK. The kids are OK. The reason I’m sharing this is because it’s part of my journey. My family life journey, my personal growth journey and even my fitness journey. And like I said in my very first blog post, I think it’s important to share the hard things. Especially since social media allows us to share the parts of our lives that we’re happy of, proud of, excited about, etc. We hide all the things we don’t want people to see or know about us. Even I do that at times.
I’m not going to go into details about what happened between me and Randy because there are things that in spite of caring about us or knowing us, only he and I will understand. But I do want to provide some context. Randy and I met when I was in 9th grade and he was in 12th grade. I was 15 years old at the time… so you do the math, he’s been in my life longer than he hasn’t been. We didn’t start dating until a few years later when I was 19 and he was 22. And the people we were at 19 and 22 are very different than the people we are today. The things that were important to both of us in relationships back when we were “kids” are different than today as “adults.”
But one of the things I think Randy and I have always had in common is the fact that we both have/had a lot of traditional values. We were both brought up thinking that you meet someone, get engaged, buy a home, get married, start your family and DUH, live happily ever after…
I can only speak for myself here but I had a hard time coming to terms that Randy and I weren’t meant to be married anymore. It was a hard pill to swallow after doing everything the “right” way. I have always been that person—the one who does the right thing, follows the rules, makes logical and smart decisions. I want people to like me. And I absolutely hate disappointing people—especially my parents.
But you wanna know a secret? I actually like coloring outside the lines once in a while. I like to dance with danger just a bit. And I’m a very emotional person that is perfectly OK with making gut decisions because at one point it was what I wanted. And for the first time in my entire life, I don’t have a plan. Or at least a 100% clear vision of what my future is going to look like. And I’m learning to be OK with that.
So what does this all mean? It means that while I still don’t like to disappoint people and I of course, want people to like me, I need to be true to myself. Instead of being a shell of who I am, I need to embrace every part of who I am. Even the part that makes dumb decisions, flies off the handle at stupid things, and is OK with people judging me when I do edgy things. (Edgy by Lauren standards here. I’m not about to rob a bank 😉 ).
Ever since Randy and I separated back in March I feel more myself. And it’s not because I ever felt that Randy held me back. In fact, Randy has always supported me and encouraged me in everything I do. I think it was the weight of the situation that snowballed to the point where I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted anymore. But since we separated, I feel more relaxed. I feel more at ease with who I am and where I’m going (wherever the F that is). And I came to the conclusion that I rather be unapologetically me, than someone who tries to be something or someone for everyone else.
But I’ll be 1000000% honest. There are days that are hard. There are days that I cry A LOT. There are days that I question decisions made 2 years ago and 2 minutes ago. But just like everyone else who’s going through “stuff”, I just keep on chugging along. Because just like everyone else, I have to. Because the world doesn’t stop if I’m having a bad day. Life continues. My kids still need me to be their mommy. My job needs to me to function. And my house won’t be able to run if I don’t do the laundry, pay the bills or go food shopping.
And quite frankly, I feel incredibly lucky. Why? Because me and Randy are still friends. And maybe that’s always been part of the problem- we’ve been really good friends for so long. But either way, we care about each other and respect each other enough to make what we’re going through right now the healthiest it can possibly be. Maybe it’s weird to outsiders. Maybe it’s not “normal.” But it works for us. Don’t’ get me wrong, we still piss each other off. But I’m pretty sure that comes with any relationship—whether it’s a married couple, divorced couple or just a plain ol’ besties since 4th grade. We all get into arguments and push each other’s buttons at times.
So how does this tie into what I’m doing with my fitness blog? Well, I’ll tell you. Being a “health, fitness, move your body, work your mind, live your best life self” advocate is something I love to do. And I’ve thrown myself into it even more so lately because I am truly passionate about it. I love sharing what lights me up inside. It’s also the most normal and consistent thing in my life. In a year where things got flipped upside down, I was able to keep some sort of normalcy by keeping up with my fitness routine. It’s kept me sane.
It also gives me:
an opportunity to reflect.
an opportunity to push my physical limits and see what my body is capable of.
an opportunity to sweat out the stress.
an opportunity to gain confidence.
an opportunity release endorphins
an opportunity to start my day off on the right foot
an opportunity to continue to work on myself at a time where I could easily just throw in the towel and say, “I’ll restart when things calm down.”
an opportunity to prove to myself that I can handle ANYTHING.
So I’ll leave you with this—do whatever the hard thing is. Work on the hard things. Make peace with the hard things. Just don’t let the hard things hold you back. Because at the end of the day, that is a much more regrettable way to live your life.
And one more thing—only YOU know what feels right to you. So don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
And lastly, when in doubt, sweat it out! 😉 Believe me, it helps in more ways than you’ll ever know. Even though your problems still exist after your workout is over, you have the chance to clear your head and more importantly, time to work on yourself. And at a time when I’ve needed it the most, working out reminds me that I am strong enough to push through anything that comes my way.
So with that, see ya later 2018! And hello there, 2019! 🙂